


Behind These Blue Eyes

by Blubunn



Series: Come Back To Me [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angelic Grace, Bathing/Washing, Explicit Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-15 23:04:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11816040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blubunn/pseuds/Blubunn
Summary: Castiel's view of the events fromWash it Off.





	Behind These Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> [Based on this](https://blusart.tumblr.com/post/164235567285/)   
>  [Art Masterpost (*spoilers*)](https://blusart.tumblr.com/tagged/comebacktomeverse/chrono)

**Protect** **_._ **

Castiel fell to his knees, heavy breaths escaping his lips as strength seemed to leave him. He pressed his body against the cracked wall, wondering if it was always so cold. A flash of light in the corner of his eye found his attention. He looked around him to see his Grace flaring around him in whips. He tried to control it, but it just seemed to become wilder. It no longer surprised him that he was overexerted. His Grace seemed to have a mind of its own.

**Protect** **_._ **

“Stay still,” Castiel panted. “I need to break this wall. I can’t do it without you.”

**Protect** **_._ **

“Dean will protect me,” Castiel insisted. “I need to focus on getting out of here. I need to get back to Dean!” His Grace wasn’t listening. It just seemed to fly in wild strands of light, only growing more wild as Castiel tried to reign it in. “Please! Help me!”

**Protect.**

Castiel couldn’t understand why this was happening. He neglected his Grace after he built the wall. It kept him alive and healed after Ketch’s sessions without needing his attention, but now he wondered if he should have tended to it even after the wall was built.

_ “Come back to me, Cas…”  _ Dean’s words flowed through the cracks Castiel made in the wall and wrapped around him. He tried to find warmth in them as he curled up against the wall, but it was just so cold.

“Please,” he begged his Grace, shivering as cold bit into him. “Please, help me!” His Grace ignored him, wildly whipping around him, chilling his mind and quieting him. “Please…” he whispered again until he saw black.

=============

**Haven.**

Castiel’s eyes fluttered open as his Grace swirled around him. He tried to pull it to him. His Grace swirled closer toward him, but it wouldn’t settle yet. Strands of it was seeping through the cracks he made in the wall, out through and back in, getting lost again in the swirl of his Grace. “What are you doing?” he murmured as he pushed himself off the ground to sit up. He trembled as his mind still remained cold, but it was warming. It was at least a touch warmer than when Castiel passed out.

**Haven. Clean.**

Castiel furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?” he questioned, watching his Grace swirl around him. A lash of Grace separated from the swirl and formed a circle in front of Castiel. The middle of the circle flickered for a few moments before it showed Castiel what it glimpsed behind the wall. They were pictures, like snapshots. The outside of the bunker. It was getting closer. Then there was the inside, through the door. With every returning strand of Grace, Castiel received a new picture.

**Haven. Clean.**

_ “We’re home, Cas…” _ Dean’s voice slipped past the grace through the cracks in the wall. It was the final piece to the puzzle. Castiel realized he was in the bunker. He pushed himself up to his feet, looking through the crack after he brushed away a strand of Grace. He couldn’t see anything. He made the wall too thick. He moved away, and another strand of Grace returned to go through the crack.

**Clean.**

“Clean what?” Castiel asked, letting out a deliberate shiver to try to shake off the cold that didn’t seem to leave his mind. Then his blood went cold, and he forgot the chill around him.

**“DEAN! HELP ME! DEAN!”** Castiel heard his own voice screaming in agony, praying to his charge, his human. He was praying to Dean.

**“What a good little angel you are,”** Ketch’s voice now.  **“Louder. Scream for him, halo.”**

**“DEAN--”** Castiel heard his voice ripped apart by another scream. He faced the wall, but the strange flashes of light he could see in the corner of his eye told him enough. His Grace was replaying a day before the wall.

“STOP!” Castiel sobbed, pressing harder against the wall, shutting his eyes tightly. He wouldn’t look. He couldn’t. “Why would you try to show me that?” he gasped through a sob when the screaming stopped.

**Clean.**

He opened his eyes, very slowly turning in case his Grace was still playing the memory. There were only the snapshots now, what was happening in the present. Dean was leading him to the hallway of bedrooms.

**Clean.**

“Wash,” Castiel choked out. “You’re trying to say wash.”

**Wash.**

Castiel let out a shuddering breath before looking at his Grace again. He pulled at it, but only a strand came to him. “Help me tell him,” Castiel told the strand with a shaking voice, ushering it to the crack he could reach. It merged with another that had been taking pictures, taking on the new purpose. He moved the Grace like a lockpick, trying to find the right switch.

_ “Cas?”  _ Dean’s voice slipped through. The pictures were copies now. The same one over and over. He was stopped. Then Dean was directly in the middle of them.

_ “Cas, are you with me?”  _ Castiel heard him ask, watching Dean’s mouth change with his words as he received each picture. He felt his being warm despite the chill in his mind when Dean came into view. He forgot his task for a moment as he stared at the man he fell for. His bright green eyes were so sad, and Castiel wanted nothing more than to take his pain away.

**Wash.**

His Grace was insistent, interrupting the image of Dean with another of Ketch. He was at a strange angle. Castiel had been looking over his shoulder. Ketch was smiling as he twirled a narrow blade in his hand. Not an angel blade, but one of his own. He could hear himself sobbing in the memory. Then Ketch moved the blade as though he were going to stab it, but Castiel turned away before the blade found its destination. That didn’t mean the scream the blade had elicited didn’t remind him of where Ketch had pushed it. “STOP,” Castiel barked at his Grace.

**Wash.**

“Don’t show me those memories,” Castiel gagged. “We’ll wash, but don’t show me those. I don’t need you to show me those. I remember.”

**Wash.**

Castiel let out an angry breath. Grace never behaved this way. Grace and angels were one being, but this entity itself was so unsympathetic and decidedly separate from Castiel. He jiggled his Grace again.

_ “You are moving!”  _ he heard Dean exclaim excitedly, seeing him come into view again as the pictures were delivered. He called to Castiel again, but this time he didn’t let himself get distracted. He worked his Grace in the crack again. Then pictures of Dean looking in the direction Castiel was trying to push toward. The pictures changed again, and Castiel knew they were moving. He agitated his Grace to push in the direction of the shower room. As they got closer, his Grace began to settle into the condensed ball he could control. Soon not only was the strand that he used to supply pressure from his vessel in his control, but now he needed to maintain the viewport, and take the pictures himself. He could handle this, but it required his full attention. He couldn’t resume his attack the wall just yet.  _ “Do you want a shower?”  _ Dean asked him.

It seemed like too much. He wouldn’t be able to wash himself. He could barely make his vessel push against Dean much less clean himself. What exactly did his Grace expect from him. He wondered if his Grace would be satisfied with a long soak. Castiel fidgeted with the Grace he used for his limited movement to push toward the bathtubs he remembered noticing when he used the shower room.  _ “A bath?”  _ Dean tried to clarify. Castiel pushed again. He watched the images change as Dean brought him to a bathtub and sat him on the edge. He saw him lift a hand under the faucet, and though Castiel tried to keep the hand up, it fell when Dean released it.

Dean picked up Castiel’s hand again, and held it under the water.  _ “Do you want it hotter?” _ Castiel tried to make himself nod, but the gesture wasn’t in his grasp. He looked at his hand in the picture and aimed for it, forcing it to twitch. He could barely see the movement, but he knew he did it.  _ “Do you want it colder?”  _ Dean asked without changing the temperature, keeping his eyes on Castiel. Castiel tried to shake his head, but he couldn’t do that either, so this time, he did nothing. After a few moments, Dean seemed to understand and began to increase the temperature.

While Dean changed the temperature of the water, Castiel sent the strand further into the crack to the hand of his vessel. He felt the temperature through his Grace. He remembered the time before the wall and wondered if there was water hot enough to wash him clean of that creature who had him. Castiel couldn’t even number the days, weeks, months he may have been in that monster’s control.

_ “Cas,” _ Dean’s voice interrupted him,  _ “I’m going to stop here, ok?”  _

Castiel returned his attention to the strand. It was almost burning hot. Castiel twitched his Grace. He watched pictures come up the viewport, the tub varying in fullness with each shot until Dean shut it off.

_ “I’ll leave you alone to clean up,” _ Dean’s voice came through.

“What?” Castiel gasped, watching Dean stand, his eyes frantic. “Don’t leave me alone, Dean. Dean! DEAN!” His grace flashed in his hands and Dean was sitting back down.

_ “Cas, _ ” he lifted Castiel’s face to look at him full in the face,  _ “are you with me?” _ He sounded as desperate as Castiel felt. He saw Dean’s eyes moving with each picture that came up, looking in his eyes for something. He heard him sigh and watched him lift Castiel’s hand.  _ “Do you want me to help you into the tub?” _ Castiel bit his bottom lip. He wondered if he was really going to let this happen. The image flickered.

**Wash.**

Castiel quickly twitched his Grace.  _ “I’m going to remove my jacket from you, okay?” _ Castiel twitched his Grace again. For a moment, there was nothing, then the images were changing again. He was being moved into the tub. His grace brightened just a little, and his mind began to warm from the heat that it radiated once he was settled into the tub. Dean came back into his view and he saw him lift his hand.  _ “Do you want me to stay?” _ Castiel twitched his Grace.  _ “Do you want me to sit in the tub with you?” _

Castiel’s Grace seemed to grow hackles that rose at that suggestion, but it didn’t intervene. Castiel remained unresponsive to the question. After a moment, Dean asked another,  _ “Do you want me to sit out here?” _ Castiel couldn’t help but think that might be uncomfortable. He didn’t want Dean to make himself uncomfortable on his account. The ledge of the tub was big enough to support him, but he’d be able to shift his weight around more freely as opposed to the tile that gave no way to do that. He wondered how to indicate that, but Dean seemed to know where to take his questions,  _ “Would you like me to sit on the edge of the tub?”  _ Castiel twitched his Grace, smiling at how clever Dean was.

They sat there quietly, Castiel enjoying the warmth that radiated from his Grace as well as Dean’s presence. He felt a little guilty asking him to stay, but the thought of him leaving felt so much worse. Suddenly, the image of Dean flickered.

**Wash.**

Castiel was startled. “Is this not enough?” he asked his Grace. “The water is hot, what more do you want?”

**Wash.**

Castiel growled at his Grace. “I can’t. I can’t move more than a twitch. How do you expect me to wash?”

**Wash.**

Castiel sighed, turning apologetic eyes toward the flickering image of Dean. “You unfeeling, selfish--” The image flickered warningly, slipping images of Ketch in between. “Okay!” Castiel snapped at it and tugged at the Grace that controlled his vessel. Dean looked at him for a few moments, and Castiel knew he was trying to figure out what he wanted.  _ “Do you want to wash?” _ Castiel smiled at how well Dean could understand him without his speaking properly. He twitched the Grace again.  _ “Do you want me to wash you?” _

Before Castiel could answer, his Grace rose its hackles again. “What?” Castiel asked it. “If you want to wash, this is the best we have. I can’t do it myself.” It settled and Castiel was able to twitch it before Dean could take it as a no. He seemed to register the hesitation when he asked,  _ “Do you want me to wash you all over?” _

Castiel’s grace flared at that, whipping around again. The air of his mind was getting colder. “Calm down!” Castiel barked at his Grace. “What do you want? I can’t wash us! This is the only way!” That seemed to split his Grace.

**Wash.**

**Protect.**

**Wash.**

**Protect.**

“Calm down! I’ll take care of it! Just calm down!” Castiel soothed his grace into hackled strands again, and the temperature in his mind warmed.  _ “Would you like me to wash your hair?” _ Castiel was startled by the question, but he twitched his Grace before Dean considered him against it. He wondered how Dean knew just what questions to ask.  _ “Your back?” _ Castiel twitched his Grace.  _ “Your chest?”  _ Another twitch to his Grace.  _ “Your legs.” _ His grace raised its hackles again, so Castiel didn’t respond.  _ “Your penis?” _

His Grace flared again at that question.  **Protect.**

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Castiel soothed it. “We won’t let him wash us there.” His Grace twitched, reluctant to calm, but it eventually settled again.

_ “Your butt?” _ Now his Grace went wild at that. Strands of light whipped in every direction. 

**Protect. Protect. Protect.**

Even Castiel hesitated at the question. He remembered enough from before the wall. He didn’t want Dean to wash him there.  _ “Okay, Cas, okay,”  _ Dean was saying as he held Cas’s hand to his lips.  _ “I won’t touch you there. Relax. I promise, I won’t touch your butt.” _

“It’s Dean,” Castiel tried to explain to his wild Grace. “He promised not to, so he won’t. Calm!” He soothed his Grace back down to its hackled shape, gathering it all back together again.

_ “If I sat on the ledge behind you, with my feet in the water, would that be okay?”  _ Castiel twitched his Grace.  _ “Will you be alright if I remove my shirt and pants so they don’t get wet?” _ His Grace rose its makeshift hackles again. Ketch rarely removed his clothes, but there were times he did, and when he did, Castiel didn’t like to remember after that. He reminded himself that Dean was not Ketch, but even as he moved to pull his Grace, he couldn’t bring himself to give it a full tug.  _ “What if I just remove my shirt, and roll up my pants?” _

Castiel tugged on his Grace, looking at the pictures of Dean coming through with such adoration. He wondered how Dean knew what to ask him. He could only chalk it up to his own traumas. Dean knew how he felt without Castiel needing to explain it, and that warmed him more than his Grace could on a good day.  _ “Would you like me to warm up the water?” _ Castiel tugged again, smiling at Dean’s pictures. His choice to fall for this man was right. He would never find a better companion than Dean.

Dean moved out of view once the water temperature was back up, but as the pictures changed angles, Castiel knew he was settling behind him.  _ “I’m going to remove remove my shirt now, okay?” _ Castiel tugged on his hackled Grace.  _ “I’m going to wet your hair now, okay.” _ Castiel tugged again. He saw water droplets in the pictures, but he also saw Dean’s hand just at the top, shielding his eyes from the water. When Dean finally began to massage the shampoo into his scalp, he felt his Grace relax, the cluster of Grace beginning to smooth itself out and almost melt. Castiel smiled as he felt Dean’s touch through the Grace. He loved feeling Dean massage his scalp.

_ “Cas, come back to me...He’s dead, Cas...You’re safe now...I’ll protect you...I’ll make sure you won’t be hurt again…Come back to me, Cas…” _ Dean’s prayer startled Castiel out of his reverie. He looked at the wall where his voice came from and touched it.

“I want to get out of here,” he told his Grace. “I want to go back to Dean. Help me.” He pulled at his Grace, powering himself up again. He resumed the attack on the wall until he heard Dean ask him a question. 

Castiel released his Grace as Dean asked,  _ “Do you want to sit in here for a while longer?” _ Castiel built his setup again, sending strands through the cracks for the pictures and to move his vessel.  _ “Are you ready to get out?”  _ Castiel tugged on his Grace.  _ “Do you want me to get a towel before I bring you out?” _

“The towels are too far…” Castiel remembered, suddenly chilled by the thought of Dean going out of reach. His hands trembled as he tried to reach for the Grace, but he couldn’t bring himself to say yes.  _ “Are you okay to walk with me to the towels?” _ Castiel didn’t hesitate to tug on his Grace to that question.

Castiel watched pictures of Dean through the viewport, smiling as Dean dried him off so carefully.  _ “Do you want something to eat?”  _ Castiel smiled at that. He didn’t need to eat since he became an angel again, but he loved that Dean thought to ask him.  _ “Do you want me to take you to your room?” _

Castiel’s smile faded. He knew he was being selfish by forcing Dean to stay by his side, but his hands refused to let him say yes.  _ “Do you want to go to my room?” _ Just as sure as his hands refused to agree to go to his room, they were quick to say yes to going to Dean’s room.  _ “Do you want me to stay in there with you?” _ His hands pulled at his Grace with confidence once again. He was beginning to feel so detached from himself. With his Grace seeming to have its own mind, and now his inability to ask to hide his true desires as he often used to do, Castiel felt strange and broken.

_ “I’ll dress you, ok?” _ Dean’s statement brought Castiel’s relaxed Grace back to life, and it rose its imitation of hackles. Castiel didn’t respond to the statement.  _ “Do you want to stay naked?” _ He really didn’t. He was tired of being naked. Before it was nothing, but Ketch taught him the vulnerability of a naked body, and he was desperate for clothes again, but his Grace seemed upset at the idea of Dean dressing him. However, he also felt that it disliked the suggestion of staying naked as well. His twitch was unstable, but eventually present, as Castiel didn’t really know what answer to give.  _ “How about a robe?” _ Castiel’s Grace lowered its hackles at that, which relieved the angel, and he tugged his Grace more confidently.

Castiel watched the pictures coming in and Dean was moving away. “He’s going too far…” he murmured. “Too far!” His Grace flashed, and Castiel realized that his hand had shot out. He hadn’t realized it the first time, but he seemed to be able to grab Dean when he moved too far away from him. Castiel flushed as pictures began to come in of Dean turning his gaze on him. He couldn’t understand this feeling. He felt like he was falling apart in his mind. Castiel always gave Dean whatever he wanted, never asking for anything more than Dean’s trust. His base desires were always ignored, but now, they seemed to move his vessel more than Castiel’s own consciousness could.

_ “I’m going to slide this towel off now,”  _ Dean’s voice brought back his attention. He had slipped the robe on him while Castiel was distracted, and was holding the corner of the towel around his shoulders. Castiel tugged on his Grace.  _ “Do you want me to remove the towel at your waist?”  _

His Grace’s hackles began to rise, but Castiel clicked his tongue at it. “It’ll fall off anyway. We have the robe.” It seemed to know that also, but the hackles held at half mast as Castiel tugged on it.

_ “Can this towel come off now?”  _ The towel on his head. Castiel tugged at his Grace. Suddenly, Dean was closer in the pictures, bearing his eyes into Castiel’s. He felt his face heat up under his gaze.

“Can you see me?” Castiel asked him, his voice barely a whisper as wonder overtook him. It often did when they gazed at each other, but now Castiel considered Dean’s searching eyes. He wondered if it was even possible to see him pulling away at his Grace so he could communicate with him.

_ “Come back to me, Cas…” _ Dean finally whispered through the wall, crumbling Castiel. Dean couldn’t find him.  _ “I’m sorry I didn’t know you were there. I’m sorry I didn’t find you before he hurt you.” _

“No,” Castiel stood, stepping toward the pictures of Dean pulling him into a hug. “Dean, no.”

_ “I’m so sorry….” _

“Dean!” Castiel cried as he fell to his knees in front of the flickering viewport, unable to maintain the images without Castiel’s guidance now that his Grace was calm. “It’s not your fault…” he whimpered. “It’s not your fault…” He let out a fierce cry through his sorrow, refusing to shut down now. He would break out of this wall. He would make it back to Dean.

Castiel set up his Grace again, watching the viewport as it fed him images from behind the wall. Dean was wiping his tears away, and Castiel had to avert his eyes to avoid sinking back into his despair, relying solely on Dean’s voice than the images for now.

_ “Would you like to lie down?”  _ Castiel tugged the Grace.  _ “Over the blankets?” _ His Grace didn’t seem to want that. While it didn’t raise its hackles, it drooped a little in his grip. He let the question drop.  _ “Under the blankets?”  _ He tugged when his Grace perked up.  _ “Alone?”  _

Castiel’s strong aversion to the idea sent his ball of Grace into a flare. It surprised him a little considering how separated it behaved when it came to Castiel, but seemed their connection was still there, even if it might be hanging by a thread. He calmed himself, knowing his Grace would calm too.  _ “Do you want me under the blankets with you?” _ His Grace rose its hackles in warning, and Castiel let the question drop, though he was a bit disappointed.  _ “Do you want me to sit by the bed?” _

“No,” Castiel murmured, letting the question drop. He wanted Dean in the bed with him. He wanted Dean to--he wasn’t sure if he could admit that he wanted Dean to hold him. 

_ “Do you want me to lie down with you?” _ Castiel’s eyes lifted to the images as he tugged almost automatically to answer the question.

“Would he…” Castiel began to wonder.

_ “Over the covers?”  _ Castiel checked his Grace, but it seemed calm again, so Castiel tugged. Dean shifted in the pictures before his voice came through the wall again,  _ “Would it be okay if I lie under the comforter while you were under the sheet beneath the comforter?” _ Castiel checked his Grace again before he tugged on it. Soon Dean had the two of them settled in his bed and asked,  _ “Do you want me to face my back to you?”  _ Castiel didn’t want that at all.

_ “Do you want me to hold you?” _ Despite the immediate tug to his Grace, that startled Castiel. It warmed him to have Dean willing to ask that, willing to do that.  _ “Do you need anything else?” _ He really didn’t. Castiel had everything in Dean’s arms, but when Dean began his prayer to Castiel again, he knew that wasn’t true.

_ “Come back to me, Cas…” _ Castiel pulled his Grace from the cracks in the wall and gathered it into the ball he could control. This wall would crumble. Castiel would see to that. He would see Dean again. He would make sure he knew that nothing that happened to him was his fault. Castiel would get back to Dean. 


End file.
